Whining

Loneliness sucks.

Jealousy sucks too.

The two at once? Man, that really sucks.

ok, I'm done being a whiny emo bitch for the moment.

Move along, nothing to see here....

Endurance

What is it we're looking for? What will make us happy? What if we can't reach what will make us happy?

I could bring up Maslow's Hiearchy of Needs. Yes, food & shelter, then sex.. that sort of thing. Someone I'm sure will suggest it's the striving for our goals that is what makes us happy.

That's a load of crap. Ever think a homeless person, striving for food, would say they were happy? That it was ok if s/he went hungry that night (again) because s/he was actively striving for more?

"What the hell are you talking about now?" you might be wondering. Well, the other night I was wandering aimlessly while being pretty angry at the world, and wallowing in self pity. Oh, and drinking fine tequila from a flask in my pocket.

I saw a man, in his mid to late tweenties, letting a girl into his home. This reminded me of what I was missing, of what I wanted. Not sex. Not the warm apartment. Not even a relationship. In a way I want all of those things, or less, or more.

I want the relationship that people see as love, but the couple involved knows goes well beyond. It doesn't even have to be 'traditional'. Let's face it, not coming home to that person every night doesn't mean the love is any less. Distance only seperates bodies, not hearts. I want something that is beyond doubt, beyond questioning. I want a state of grace. That's not asking for too much, is it?

I've had a taste of that. Just a taste, and I lost it. Now, if you're busy scrounging for food and shelter each night, trying to avoid being beaten or having your bag of sparse belongings taken, I can't imagine any way you could meet someone who could provide what I had a taste of. There just doesn't seem to be a chance at that connection.

I guess I'm wondering if we know, or can assume, we'll never achieve the (much) higher 'needs', is it worth even bothering? If each night you're cold & hungry, what is the point? What makes someone go on? Is it perspective? Is it the hierarchy of needs?

Is it really the fact that he's so busy struggling for warmth & such that he doesn't even think about falling in love or being in love? That seems absurd. We all dream of things. He must have free time to think of what 'could be'.

Is it because he never had a taste of what I was referring to? That his perceptions of what love could be like are so different that he doesn't think he's missing much? I guess it's possible. But wouldn't that also imply that his life has been that much emptier?

Is it because some guy supported by other people's donations is wandering around town telling him there's a reward for having a shit life in the 'afterlife'? That suicide is a sin? And he believed it?

Or could he be so beaten down that even if you gave him a place to stay, and catered meals, and a hot shower, he just has lost the ability to have dreams & aspirations? Might he sit there 16 hours a day, alone, and say there isn't anything else he'd want? That those higher needs being met just lead to more complications & suffering then they're worth?

I don't have any idea what enables/makes many people carry on. Hope you weren't looking for great insight on this one.

Divine Inspiration

Do dreams of God provide evidence of his existence?
Are they a revelation of a higher truth?

There are those who say this is so. They may say these dreams provide insight into what may be less clear among the concerns and distractions of the waking world.

I ask, of course, because I just woke from dreaming of God. Not a fatherly figure with a white beard or anything. Not George Burns with a cigar. More a presence.. something off to stage left. I was dreaming of an afterlife more forgiving than Christianity envisions, since I wasn't surrounded by fiery brimstone. In fact, I was with someone I cared for deeply.

There are those who would jump up and say this is heaven. Perhaps it is a vision of heaven. Perhaps then this presence off to stage left was God. Has my dream revealed something to me?

Has my dream revealed that I will be blessed by his presence in the afterlife? That I will come to understand and accept his existence?

Again, many would say this is the truth revealed by my dream. And perhaps this dream has revealed to me the truth of my future. This isn't so hard to accept. The leap of faith to believe in God can/would explain his truth being revealed in dreams as well. The images revealed no clear details that would even prohibit the salvation of those who had yet to believe at their passing. He revealed himself to us on our deaths.

Again, a kinder gentler version compared to Christianity, and most other religions as well.

So, a great truth seems to have been revealed to me, and I guess I should act accordingly. It is truly these simple things that can alter a life forever. To bring new, more profound meaning to it. God truly works in mysterious ways. His truth, revealed in my dream, is profound.

Oh, did I mention I was overthrowing God in this dream?

His will be done. Who am I to argue?

Staccato

A restaurant, a stranger. A kiss on the knuckle, a sharp intake of breath. A tighter grip of the hand asking for more. I had little idea of what was to come.

A motel room, straps hanging from a door. The two of us, exhausted on the bed. Sated.

Another time, a nearby place. My hand falling against her flesh for the first time.

A coffee shop, in the evening. The words I love you fall from my lips, tears from her eyes.

Our rings, given with purpose, with love. Now worn with different purposes. Perhaps different love. But always love.

A small room, furnished. Sufficient for living, but not for life. But I'm with her. For the first time, I am with her without having to go home. I am without a home. But I have her, for a time.

Our kiss. Perhaps our last. Filled with the taste of each other, longing, regret, and memories.

She leaves the coffee shop quickly, seemingly with a purpose. Out into the rain.
She reaches her car and steadies herself with a hand against it. She drops her head. Reconsidering? Trying to remember how to breath? Overwhelmed with grief? Perhaps it was a bit of all of these.

Ya tebya liubliu. Always.

You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star.
Friedrich Nietzsche