Endurance

What is it we're looking for? What will make us happy? What if we can't reach what will make us happy?

I could bring up Maslow's Hiearchy of Needs. Yes, food & shelter, then sex.. that sort of thing. Someone I'm sure will suggest it's the striving for our goals that is what makes us happy.

That's a load of crap. Ever think a homeless person, striving for food, would say they were happy? That it was ok if s/he went hungry that night (again) because s/he was actively striving for more?

"What the hell are you talking about now?" you might be wondering. Well, the other night I was wandering aimlessly while being pretty angry at the world, and wallowing in self pity. Oh, and drinking fine tequila from a flask in my pocket.

I saw a man, in his mid to late tweenties, letting a girl into his home. This reminded me of what I was missing, of what I wanted. Not sex. Not the warm apartment. Not even a relationship. In a way I want all of those things, or less, or more.

I want the relationship that people see as love, but the couple involved knows goes well beyond. It doesn't even have to be 'traditional'. Let's face it, not coming home to that person every night doesn't mean the love is any less. Distance only seperates bodies, not hearts. I want something that is beyond doubt, beyond questioning. I want a state of grace. That's not asking for too much, is it?

I've had a taste of that. Just a taste, and I lost it. Now, if you're busy scrounging for food and shelter each night, trying to avoid being beaten or having your bag of sparse belongings taken, I can't imagine any way you could meet someone who could provide what I had a taste of. There just doesn't seem to be a chance at that connection.

I guess I'm wondering if we know, or can assume, we'll never achieve the (much) higher 'needs', is it worth even bothering? If each night you're cold & hungry, what is the point? What makes someone go on? Is it perspective? Is it the hierarchy of needs?

Is it really the fact that he's so busy struggling for warmth & such that he doesn't even think about falling in love or being in love? That seems absurd. We all dream of things. He must have free time to think of what 'could be'.

Is it because he never had a taste of what I was referring to? That his perceptions of what love could be like are so different that he doesn't think he's missing much? I guess it's possible. But wouldn't that also imply that his life has been that much emptier?

Is it because some guy supported by other people's donations is wandering around town telling him there's a reward for having a shit life in the 'afterlife'? That suicide is a sin? And he believed it?

Or could he be so beaten down that even if you gave him a place to stay, and catered meals, and a hot shower, he just has lost the ability to have dreams & aspirations? Might he sit there 16 hours a day, alone, and say there isn't anything else he'd want? That those higher needs being met just lead to more complications & suffering then they're worth?

I don't have any idea what enables/makes many people carry on. Hope you weren't looking for great insight on this one.