And so it goes.......

Billy Joel described a room within your heart that serves as a solace, a refuge ('And so it goes' is the name of the song, in case you didn't figure it out from the entry title). This room allows you to recover, and heal wounds.

Now, I'm not a big fan of using song lyrics to learn about life. That being said, I think this song made me realize something about myself.

I don't have that room in my heart. I live with my heart upon my sleeve. No keys, no doors, no rooms. Exposed. Vulnerable. But open. Free.

Capable of loving 100%, since I'm not hiding away that little room. Capable of being crippled as well. Highs and lows, extremes that perhaps I should have learned to avoid. But that type of thinking is what leads people to shut out others, to close themselves in. To isolate themselves.

I refuse to do that. I will lead my life as I have. Open & honestly. I believe in truth. I believe love is worth fighting for. Worth dying for. Worth sacrifice.

So I will base my actions on that standard. I found someone I love. And I left, without realizing the implications. Without all the information. It was my fault as much as anyones. (Yet another learning experience.)

So, unless that person finds love and happiness without me, I will go back to her. (And yes, she asks that I look for my own happiness, which I will seek. Though I doubt anything remotely like it will appear.) I will return, and ask for forgiveness for my mistakes. Offer my love. My life. My hopes.

I know she deserves happiness, even if she sometimes doesn't. I believe she can be happy, even when she doesn't. I only hope I can be part of that happiness.

So, this summer. I will look at where we are. Where she is.

If she is moving toward happiness, I will lick my wounds. I will suffer a not so small death. I will move on. Or try to. I'd be lying if I said I was sure I would succeed.

If not, I will send out applications. I will find a job back on the east coast. I will return to her. And hope I can be what she needs to be happy. And, though I don't believe in God/gods/deity I will pray. I will do whatever I can to be what will make her happy.

Ya tebya liubliu.

The meaning of things

So... do you say a girl is pretty? Beautiful? Cute? Sexy? Can they be more than one? Just what do these things mean, anyway?

It's clearly not just an age thing. We've all seen the beautiful and pretty little girls, as well as the cute ones. I won't touch the sexy topic for now......

Perhaps looking at what else may be described in such terms might help. Buildings. (Insert your own snarky comment about the pressure to be skinny & comparing women to potentially massive structures....)

There are the cute houses. Perhaps a tad more colorful than the neighboring ones, or with unique additions. They have 'personality'. These homes aren't for everyone, but those who enjoy them, think they're the best thing in the world.

Sexy. These are the homes you see in the architecture magazines, or on reruns of Miami Vice (do they even have those??). You wonder how anyone could stand to live there. But they look damn nice. You think you'd like to try living there.... maybe just for a vacation.

Beautiful homes? You know the houses are perfect looking. Perfectly trimmed hedges, the lines of the roof complements the terrain, the drive sweeps into view, rather than jutting out from the street. Wow. You can't imagine living there, since it could only be maintained by a herd of staff. You'd be afraid to scratch the furniture.

Then there are homes that people say are pretty. Perhaps a bit conventional, they're attractive nonetheless. You'd live they're & be happy. You know you can relate to the house, raise children there. They have have touches of cuteness and beauty. As you know more about them, you appreciate them more. And sexy? Well, it all depends on what happens there.


Have I offended all the women out there?

Let's try to bring this back to women, shall we?

We all know cute girls. That particular person may not be what works for me, but I know someone will think they're the greatest thing. Perhaps 'unconventional beauty' could also be used to describe them. They have a personality that is part of their appeal.

Sexy. You do a double take when you see them walk by. Maybe you're the type who's intimidated by them, even as you think 'if only...'. Either way, you don't think they'd have what it takes for a long term relationship. But a vacation.......

Beautiful. The women in the black & white photos in the magazines. You're not sure how old they are, they have a grace that's undeniable. You can't touch that. You love the way they loog, but they're out of your league.. too high maintenance. They must be.

Pretty. These are the girls at work or the bar that you actually see, and have a chance to talk to. They have personality, and quirks. At times a bit high maintenance, other times not so much. And Sexy? Well, it all depends on what they want to do....

So, next time someone say's you're cute, don't take it as a polite way of saying you're not beautiful. You are someones ideal. Maybe they know you're beautiful to someone else.

And if you don't think you're sexy? Maybe it's what you do that matters more than your specific look....