Invictus

And so I begin again.

In two years I have retired two rings.

One, worn for 12 years, betrayed by another. The oaths discarded, promises not kept. A life made and unmade. The anger and resentment slowly fading still.

The second worn for too short a time. Betrayed by reality. We left it undefended, unsupported and without hope in our own ways. I realized my errors (or so I believe) and tried to correct them, bring them to light.

But how to show another what you have only learned through pain? Is it possible? Must we always learn the things that really matter, the things that will truly make a difference in our lives, by trial and error?

Perhaps I am wrong again. Perhaps she will be happy in this path she has chosen, despite it failing in the past. I hope so. And I hope not. But that is, at the end, selfish.

Yes, selfish. That is one thing I have learned. The ability to say 'I think you're kidding yourself' when that's what I feel. The ability to say 'I hope at the end you're happy, but I want that to be with me, not him'. Being supportive for things I don't believe doesn't help me. And I've never seen it help another. It was the perhaps the last bastion of 'integrity' I had suppressed for others. No more.

Two rings, two years.

I will learn, and be a better, stronger person for it.

I will not give in to the turbulence of life.

I will be happy again. Preferably with her, but it will happen without her as well.

I will not give in to the anger and hurt.

I will carry on.

Invictus.

26 days.

I just finished a very long case, with a very small patient. It's late. I'm tired. It would be reasonable to be grumpy. But I'm not. Why? I just keep thinking 26 days.

26 days and counting.
26 days until fellowship is done. No hobbits, elves or dwarves in this fellowship.
(Well.... OK, technically some dwarves were encountered & treated, but they were not part of the main cast of characters.)
26 days until I can say, at least for a time, I can do whatever the hell I want with my day.

Someone commented to me that I seemed much happier now than I had been in the past year. No surprise.
With everything finally getting settled at home (not for the better, but at least settled)....
Being so close to finishing....
Looking forward to moving to Seattle...

Have another case? Have things for me to do? Some inane task that is useless for me to do?

I'd be happy to.

26 days.

Oh, the pain.....

So there's this nice guy who also happens to be sponsoring all my coworkers for a charity walk/run. It's a fund raiser in memory of a kid who died, and it goes to a scholarship fund. What a great thing.

Now, last year, about 15 people were sponsored by this very nice guy. Apparently, 1 person showed up for the run . In my defense, I was on call. OK, I wouldn't have gone anyway. Running is soooooo not my thing. Unless I'm being chased.

Anyway, new year, 15 new people. Well, 14 plus me recycled in a second fellowship. 15 people sponsored for this walk/run. How many are going to show up? Well, I've sort of made it my mission to make damn sure there's at least one. Me.

What was I thinking?

The first day I ran, my fine submissive told me to stretch, to reduce the burning the next day. Great, I had a;ready done that. Two hours after my run, I was walking funny and my thighs were already burning. Oh, the pain!!!!!

Perhaps I exaggerate a bit......

But I carried on. I've run several times now. I've worked through the chest pain, the leg pain, the blisters, the burning throat, the tequila, the..... never mind.

It's really only about 3 miles. But it's been over 10 years since I ran more than a few minutes. This is gonna suck....

But there will be someone from my group running for that kid, and for the very nice guy.

Choices, Choices...

So I finally made it down to Choice. For those lacking enough curiosity to follow the link, Choice Nightclubs is a swingers club. They also have a dungeon in the club, and some nights, it's a BDSM oriented club (Paraphilia). I joined both at the same time.

So am I a swinger? A man whore? A slut? A polyamorist? A bastard? Sure.

Show me your source for value judgements on my life, and I'll show you my contempt for your obvious lack of insight into norms, ethics and the origins of our species and culture.

But I digress.

I went to the club with my dear J, and friends J and M. We were the only four in the dungeon space and we had a fair number of spectators. One of them commented on the scene and the bag I had brought. 'Wow, you guys were intense.", "Brought your full set of gear?!" No.... not a full set of gear. A small gym bag was what I brought. A favored flogger, a handful of ropes, a hood and some shiny things.

But it was enough. The spanking bench..... starting with the hand. Making that connection, feeling the warmth rising, seeing the fleshtones change. Then changing textures and ridgidity. Watching the breathing, the flexing of muscles, hearing the changes.

Several times that night, I looked in her eyes, and saw exhaustion. And she rallied each time. After the spanking bench, the wall. The chair. The floor. I know her limits, and I was skirting along them for a long evening.

I truly was impressed by her. I can only hope to be able to keep pushing her like that. It was a beautiful thing to see.

Visual DNA

Wandering the blogosphere, I came upon Visual DNA. Hmm.. what a way to know more about me.

I like it. Words seem to fail so often.

Kind of like figuring what I'm like by what I do. or who I hang (suspend?) with.

Read my VisualDNA™
Get your own VisualDNA™

Strength inspires the High Priestess?

I was perusing blogs and came across Midori's. Besides woes of dental misfortunes, (hope all is better quickly...) she had a Tarot card on her site. She, as it turns out, came up as Courage.

I'm always fascinated by these tests & things. The fortune tellers, psychics and mystics use a well known technique for what they do. Part of it counts on you seeing what you want to believe, and thinking the most of yourself. C'mon, you can't all be as good as I am, after all. Right? If you think they have some merit, feel free to seek true enlightenment here. But I'm on a tangent.

Being a skeptic of these things, I of course jumped right in and completed it.

You are The High Priestess

Science, Wisdom, Knowledge, Education.

The High Priestess is the card of knowledge, instinctual, supernatural, secret knowledge. She holds scrolls of arcane information that she might, or might not reveal to you. The moon crown on her head as well as the crescent by her foot indicates her willingness to illuminate what you otherwise might not see, reveal the secrets you need to know. The High Priestess is also associated with the moon however and can also indicate change or fluxuation, particularily when it comes to your moods.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Hey, who am I to argue with the arcane knowledge?

And now for something completely different......

This past weekend, Janna and I went to a class at The Society, in Hartford. It was our first time there, and we were part of a field trip with the Massachusetts Bondage Club. OK, we were the only ones who made it from the club, but that's a different story.

Anyway...... they have a great set-up, with a nice lounge and dungeon for peoples' various needs. Now, I'm thinking I may have to join, just to get a chance to learn & play with some of their toys. Spanking benches, crosses, so much fun.

The class itself was taught by Suzanne SxySadist, and covered torture ties and bondage. Some interesting things in that class. The shibari I've been learning has it's limits, particularly with a small, flexible, determined SAM. Torture ties are not shibari. Closer to Hojo-Jitsu in nature. They tend to be tighter, and with smaller ropes. They can at times tighten with struggling.

This of course makes for more potential for injury. But a more enjoyable binding too.

SAM I am, she says....

In my last post, I made reference to my submissive being a SAM. THis got me thinking about our relationship, and how it appears to others.

Many in the lifestyle have seen my submissive and I together. Many of those (Dom/mes in particular) have expressed surprise and sometimes disapproval of our relationship. Why, you might ask?

Well, she's a SAM. For those less familiar with things, let me explain. She is, in theory, a submissive and a masochist. A submissive should do the will of the Dominant. Failure to meet this requirement can lead to punishment in various forms. A masochist enjoys pain &/or punishment. You may already be seeing where this is going......

So my beloved submissive is a willful sprite. And rebellious by nature. I enjoy this. She's a handful, and I like it that way. And that is what gets the disapproval. They see the challenges, and the verbal sparring. The sticking out of the tongue (And a sexy little tongue it is...). They don't see so much more.

They don't see her at my knee, even in public. They don't see the nuzzle in quiet moments, or the half whispered 'Yes, Milord'. These things, from one so contrary to service, are worth more than those other Doms will ever know.

The Un-Community

In the past couple of years, I've seen people from essentially all walks of life in the scene. We don't hang out with each other in the 'real' world, just at classes & clubs or parties. This is actually something that gives me hope. (No, not that I'll get to play with them all. Let's face it, there are things out there I have no desire to do. I think........ )

Rather, I hope that this kink community may be a bridge between other cultures & communities. In my work, do I hang out with many plumbers or electricians? Nope. How about lawyers, or accountants? Nope. More importantly, 'the scene' is where I/we meet the transvestites, transgenders, homosexuals, bisexuals, heterosexuals, necrophiliacs I/we might not ordinarily meet.

My beautiful SAM of a submissive has 'blamed' me for introducing her to many of the less vanilla things she's experienced in the past year or so. To some extent, I'm guilty. On the other hand, without being exposed to it in a safe & nurturing environment (a dungeon can be safe & nurturing, right?) might she have followed the stereotypical pattern of distrusting what is unknown & different? Perhaps.

It is this exposure that we all need. Do I expect to convert a redneck/hillbilly (continue inserting stereotypes here...) into a metrosexual by bringing them to the Fetish Fair? No. But it might help if we brought them all, one by one. Exposure creates familiarity. And we may find a hidden fetishist or two while we're at it.

New toy

My latest addition to this new-blog-for-my-new-life is a search engine. Provided by Google (Man, they've just infiltrated everything. Keep up the good work), it allows me to choose the sites to search.

I've included only sites for places I've had at least a passing interest in. So, there aren't any sites on transgender-latex wearing-scat-play. Not yet, anyway. As I come upon sites, I'll add them. If you have suggestions for sites, let me know. Even if it is in transgender-latex wearing-scat play.

OK, so I'm a geek in many ways. Couldn't you figure that out by my saying I wanted research results in a book on play piercing?

Literature Search

So, as with any new skill or hobby, I like to read up on subjects. In this case, it's kink.
Mmmmmmm, Kink. Sorry, I get distracted.

Anyway, I was looking for resources for needle play. I found almost nothing online, and what I did find was rudimentary. I already have the book on Play Piercing by Deborah Addington. But it's not enough.

Don't get me wrong..... Play Piercing (ISBN:1-890159-68-9, Greenery Press)is a fine book. It's also, as far as I can tell, the only book on needle play out there. But I want more. More details on techinques, designs, patterns, needles. Data from actual science & research if it's out there.

OK. More of everything.

I'm told it's edge play, so I shouldn't be surprised about the lack of resources. I'm told there are classes. Maybe one a year I could make (and probably covering the basics). So, I guess there's two options left for me.

I could write the book I want to see. I don't have the overwhelming hubris to do that. Not yet anyway. I need to learn a lot more, talk to more people, and practice, practice, practice.

The other option is to go to the man himself. Fakir Musafar. He does classes..... intensive courses. Yes, it's more than needle play. But it's beautiful. It's painful. It's so much more.

So, until I can get that in my schedule, I'll practice... and talk... and practice some more. Look for scientific research. And think about a title for a book.

Connections....

Between this past week and the coming weekend, I'll have seen friends from school, as well as a childhood friend that I haven't seen in years. It's a good thing, reconnecting.

For the past 8 years or so I essentially isolated myself with responsibility. I'd do the work I needed to, then head home to do what was needed there. Not seeing friends, limited time with family (outside those in my home)..... long term, not a healthy thing. But I did it for them. Yes, my work/study took a huge amount of time. So they got the rest of it.

Now, with my reward of being isolated from my family, I have more free time. Joy.

Staying isolated, the easier thing to do, would be bad. I accept that. But facing the numerous questions of "How are things going?"... well, that just sucks. Every time. But eventually, as time goes by my first thought won't be 'I haven't seen my kids in xx days.'. Things will get better.

Eventually.

What am I doing?

So, what flavor kink am I into? At the moment, a whole lot.

There's Ropes........





And Piercing.......




And, of course the usual menagerie of flogging and discipline and such...

I definitely need to practice more. On everything. But I tend to be pretty self critical.

So as I begin again in a new setting, I will look for play partners, teachers, and friends. Care to play?

Second Life

Second Life ( http://secondlife.com ) - the online opportunity to leave the real world for a newer, better one of your own choosing. Your chance to put down your claim on some territory, meet new people and prosper. Unfortunately, the real world is still lurking in the background.

I find myself about to enter a second life of my own. This one isn't quite of my own choosing. But I have decided to step up, take the reigns with all the strength I can muster and form this new life into one I will be proud of.

Of course there's that 'real' life.... lurking in the background. I can't even say it's lurking. At the moment, it rears it's ugly head at every turn. It takes every opportunity to claw my guts at unexpected moments. I'll be tied to it for the rest of my life. And I don't think I'd have it any other way. I will have a lot of work to do taming it, though. But what to do with two lives?

Discard all but the essentials. Keep what is necessary and abandon the rest. Build around that core something new, and better. And what, you may be thinking, are the essentials?

In no particular order:
Character- I am who I want to be, by my decisions & actions. If I change that, all is lost.
Aspirations- Yes, I still want to be an astronaut. Yes, I still know it's unlikely. Some things become less likely, or even impossible with changing times. Accept what won't happen, and work around it. Maybe things will change again.
Family- All of them? No. Honestly, I haven't seen my brother in years. But there are two very important people who I will always be there for. If I'm allowed.